Somewhere above the clouds, my spirit lifts, my heartache eases, my mind makes room for the now.
I watch a family soothe their crying baby. I want to tell them how beautiful, how precious, how much I yearn for those moments again. How much I didn't know about where life would take me.
Instead I sit quietly, warm coffee, alone. The world looks different through tired eyes. But Love always looks the same. Love always heals the soul. Love can make a world of difference.
When my mind goes into overdrive, it crosses over into my dreamworld.
Last night, he visited me there.
It has been about a year and a half since my dad passed away. It was fast. It was unexpected. It was unimaginably painful.
His void is felt in places I never would have thought. I am starting to forget what his voice sounded like. I missed getting flowers from him on my birthday this year. Sometimes I start writing a message to someone on my phone, and his name pops up from my contact list.
Last night, in my dreams, he sent me a message. It was written in the sky, and my brother was with me.
"Heaven. Happy birthday. Love, Dad."
Small, but intensely beautiful. I can't even begin to describe the way that it looked. The words sound so simple, but that image- I will carry it with me for a long time.
Birthdays are a day of reflection for me - a moment to think about how much I’ve accomplished, learned, and grown in a year. This year in particular has been full of intense experiences - overwhelming, at times - and I found myself in a state of mind yesterday that I would not have expected.
I think the biggest obstacles I’ve worked through involve letting go of insecurity, embracing fear, and becoming more comfortable with moments when I feel I am being led to a different path by a greater force. This year, I want to focus on trusting that force, and letting myself embrace my failures just as much as my gains. If something is meant to be, it will be - even if it doesn’t look like I thought it might. I’ve given up on clinging to the ideas of how I thought life SHOULD look, and I continue to learn that expectations often lead to disappointments.
I am incredibly grateful for all of the love and support you all have shown me. I can’t express in words how much it means to me when someone tells me I inspire them. Those are the moments I know I’m on the right path, and that give me energy and push me to get up and march forward every time I fall down. Thank you all for believing in me and inspiring me.
Life is beautiful, my heart is full. Cheers to another year of growth and inspiration.
Basically, all of my favorite things. My freeform knitting techniques + a yarn cozied can obsession + a cutting from my favorite jade plant. I feel my work taking a refined direction recently, and that is very motivating. It's a process, finding your point of view - your unique voice in a saturated market. Passion is key - I'm convinced that if you love what you do...eventually it will all fall into place. Just keep pushing through. Someday it will all make sense.
xoxo and more to come soon.
“I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
Because for me, sometimes words are not enough to let someone know how much you appreciate them. How they open up their soul to you, hold your hand through pain and struggle, comfort you through the darkest paths. This is when my most passionate work is created. It becomes so much more than just fiber and pattern - it transforms emotions into a tangible piece of fabric that can be held, worn, carried, wrapped, and felt. My heart can be poured into my work through my hands. It doesn't need to be complicated work - sometimes these are the most simple pieces. The pieces in which I can focus on the sentiment and not the skill itself - a meditation on compassion and love and giving. An appreciation for the process as it unfolds.
From the planning...
...to the making...
...and finally, the giving.
Thank you to my dear friend, for inspiring me to keep creating - and reminding me of how lovely the process feels.
xoxo and Happy Birthday.
In October of 2012, my mom lost her loving husband and partner of 33 years. An incredible man - my dad.
Since then, our family has gone through unimaginable heartache and change. We’ve been on a journey that felt endless at times - ripe with tears and sadness, fueled by fond memories and the kind of energy that is only made possible by sharing physical space together. Living 500 miles apart makes those moments few and far between, but we do what we can.
I’ve likened this journey to a kind of battle, but then at some point along the way I realized it was just life happening as it should. We all experience love and loss. It is inevitable. Sometimes these events are tightly coupled - tighter than we might like. Suffocating. We fight it - we go through a process that can seem so lonely, dark, and endless. And then one day - the light shines in. Maybe it is brief and small - a glimpse - but it’s there. It fades and returns. It seems to disappear, and then one day it blinds us. We see happiness that at one point we thought was impossible. We feel love again. It takes a new form, but it feels familiar. It feels good. Life is happening.
Yesterday my mom got married. Her journey has been messy and intensely beautiful, like life should be. There is hope in her again that was difficult to see for some time. I was sitting in the hospital room the day my dad told her that he wanted her to move on. He hoped she would find someone else to love and live the rest of her life with. It was one of the saddest, most raw and strangely beautiful moments I’ve ever witnessed. I know now that she has found that someone. And that somewhere - wherever one goes after leaving this earth - a beautiful soul is smiling.
Hey...hi...April -- where did you come from?? Turned the page on my calendar this morning and realized this is the month I go to NYC for knit instructor training. Getting busy on course prep work- of course my swatches are knit in PINK!